His Moments of Silence

This is from Kara Oh, author of "Men Made Easy":

If you have never read Men Made Easy, or if you haven't read it for a
while, you might want to be reminded about what you need to do to get
him to open up...just in case it isn't a habit yet. It has to do with
honoring his "moments of silence." I got an email from a woman who
was asking how to get a new man to talk more. Here's my response:

The best thing to do with a quiet man is to follow his lead for a
while. When you do ask questions, make them not too personal. Find
out what his interests are, then ask questions about those. A
question like, "What do you enjoy best about..." will get him to talk
about his feelings, but in a non-threatening way.

One of the things in my book, which is not even a secret, is how to
get a man to open up. One thing women do too often to men is cut
them off. That's the way we women interact, but men don't do very
well with it. When you ask a question, often, there will be what I call a
"moment of silence." That's when he's gathering his thoughts. And there will
often be several throughout his response, if you give him the
opportunity. Women use those moments to jump in, which never gives
him a chance.

After you ask a question, allow any and all moments of
silence to hang. If you give him time to gather his thoughts, each
time he'll become more and more trusting that you aren't going to
interrupt him. He may surprise himself with what he reveals, because
you have given him the opportunity to feel safe enough to do so.

This technique is laid out in greater detail in the book but this is
enough to get you started. I hope it helps. If you haven't been doing
this technique, give it a try and see what happens. I do this for
Chris and he tells me all the time that I'm the first woman who has
ever seen who he really is, and he is blown away by what good
communication we have. Mostly, I'm a good listener. You can be too.
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For more information about Kara's great book click here.

coach@man2woman.net