A couple of posts back I talked about the things a woman needs to feel fulfilled in a relationship and the last one was great sex. Lots of it. As someone I read recently put it, "mind-blowing sex." I'm feeling a little controversial today so let's talk about that and why it's so hard to find a man who can and will do that.
First off, growing up no one is there to teach us or even TELL us anything about sex and how to please a woman, we're just expected to know these things. And no one tells us how important it is because everyone's too busy maintaining the social taboo and making us ashamed to think about it, let alone do it. On top of that, boys grow up with the idea that women don't WANT or ENJOY sex. So we get into our first intimate relationships misguided and totally blind.
Guess what? Our first few partners are stuck either with the task of teaching us how to satisfy them or putting up with lousy sex. And unfortunately, a lot of women (especially young women) don't know much themselves so they choose the latter choice (by default?) and a lot of them simply fake orgasms. This obviously doesn't teach a man anything - he thinks he's doing fine!
If a man is lucky, he has relationships with one or two women early on who have had relationships with good lovers and they teach him; if a woman has never had mind-blowing orgasms, she doesn't even know what she's looking for, just "something" better. But most men aren't so lucky - they've never had a partner who thrashes around on the bed, whose eyes roll back in her head, who screams or who shakes uncontrollably for several minutes afterward. Any one of those experiences, for a man, is a definite "Aha!" moment and he probably loves it.
The feeling of power a man gets when he can give his partner bigger and better orgasms is nirvana! It's addictive. It builds confidence and self-esteem. It makes him feel like a better man. Why? Because instinctively most men want to satisfy their mate, to give her powerful orgasms. It's part of the evolutionary process, amazingly: if a woman has an orgasm during intercourse, preferable about the same time the man does, she's more likely to become pregnant (assuming she's ovulating and not using birth control, obviously).
See, there are powerful reasons for our instincts when it comes to mating and sex, it's not just random stuff going on. I talk more in depth about this in my ebook, which can be purchased here.
Okay, we've covered the "can" part of "can and will" now let's all wonder about the "will" part. Personally, I can't understand why some men just don't care to satisfy their mates/lovers. I'd guess it starts with a low self-esteem and probably a lot of shame from his early years. A twisted sense he was given of what making love is all about. But boy, are those guys missing out or what? To me, a woman's orgasm has got to be about the best thing going!
As always, your comments are welcome.
Owen
coach@man2woman.net
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4 comments:
Aaargh. Men who don't want to know. Can you figure them? Nor can I.
Men who believe "it should always be spontaneous" - how are you going to manage that with two full schedules, the plumber coming on callout and your mother on the phone?
Men who believe "It was good for me, so it obviously must have been good for her" - need one say more?
Men who say, all in earnest, "Every woman I've made love to has orgasmed" - didn't they see When Harry Met Sally?
... Men, in short, who don't want to think that what they do has much effect at all on what happens in sex.
I do realise there are lots of women who share all of the above ;)
I think there's an imbalance, though: most boys learn about orgasm via surreptitious wanks in their bed/bath/common room, at a young age. Girls have (whether by nature or nurture) more emotionally involving expectations.
So - you have a young man whose idea of a great orgasm is to do it fast, hard & in secret .... and a young woman who is waiting for The Almost Religious Experience. If she ever gets that, it's going to be by dint of serial (disappointing) learning experiences - and then teaching her man!
Hopefully, Owen, some chaps will learn enough from you to short-cut that distance. As you know, the Almost Religious Experience blows a man's mind as much as that of the woman he's with ..... so it's worth taking a little time & consideration over it!
Cheers :)
I agree about the imbalance. To boys and young men it's mostly a physical thing. Consider that a man in his mating prime is capable of producing 3-4 offspring per day! Where a woman is limited to one every nine months. Hey, I had a wife who wanted sex about that often! hehe But you're right, to a woman it's an emotional and mental thing much more than for guys. And a mature man who has had those "Aha!" moments knows how to use a woman's brain to make it good for her.
Now, on that Harry Met Sally thing, my point was that when a woman is faking orgasms (and a LOT do) she's not doing anyone any favors because it leads him to think she IS having orgasms. After a few years of that she sure can't blame her husband for failing to give her real ones, when he thinks he has been.
"some chaps will learn enough from you to short-cut that distance. As you know, the Almost Religious Experience blows a man's mind as much as that of the woman he's with ..... so it's worth taking a little time & consideration over it!"
I agree 100%! However, I'm not teaching men, I'm here trying to teach women how men think and why.
Hye Owen......
ths is Asmi frm India.......i completely agree wid u.....guys actully thnk th way u said......i have never into any relationship....as my community n culture doesnt allow me th indulgence part before marriage....but recently i came across a guy......we r gud friend....n i like him as a gud friend.....but he is alwz up wid th ideas of rolling in the hay.... he keeps on telling i wanna make love n all shit things.....n whn i ask him, wht makes u thnk of ths every nw n thn......he would say, nw days every guy thinks of th same....he says he is bit frank....n never like to hide anything, rest r bit conservative.... i feel bit scared of his thoughts.....Owen do u thnk guys actully think in such a vague way......u knw wht i beleive in th quote "Women nd a reason for sex, n Guys jus nd a place" is it true......
thnx n regs
Asmi
Nowadays every guy thinks the same? No, guys have always been thinking that way. If we didn't, there wouldn't be much propogation of the species. Being frank about it is something that HAS changed and might be something you're not used to in your culture, though.
You say you're a bit scared of his thoughts. I wonder if it's more YOUR thoughts you're scared of? Culture and society's rules often clash with our reproductive instincts and besides, you as a female need to be selective - this guy apparently isn't the "mate" you'd select, since you describe him as a good friend.
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